Gift From My Husband

You know those times when you feel like you have been heard over the years and when it happens you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside?  Well if you get those often then wonderful!  I do not get them often in my relationship with my husband.  Not to say that I do not often feel heard.  It is just I am not normally the warm and fuzzy feeling kind of gal.  I have to really pay attention to find those warm and fuzzy moments.

I watch romantic movies and read soft romance books.  I do this to remind myself what romance looks like at some level.  I have to get tips, hints and ideas from mentors, books, movies to keep me in line with being a romantic wife.  For so many years I expected my husband to be romantic but I did not even really know what romance looked like.  What I thought was romantic when I was young ended up with some harsh memories from my short weeding to my ex-husband.  All my ideas of romance got kicked out the window.

I am so much better now at spotting romance and being romantic than I was for many years.  I do believe romance is important in marriage.  I mean who wants to sit in idle in marriage and have a feeling of stagnant energy in marriage?  Not me!  My husband posted on my Facebook page “The Top 10 Reasons I Love You”.  I have done this to him many times.  I have posted some of my reasons for loving him on this blog.  Here is my husbands top 10 for me.

The top 10 reasons that I love you:

1. Because you are a passionate person – You love deeply and fiercely.
2. You are a caring person – You often care more about others than they care about themselves.
3. You’re an AMAZING mother – You take the time necessary to learn all you can about raising children and to ensure that they always get treated best based on their own unique personality & needs.
4. Your sexy body!
5. WOW! You are such a good cook!
6. You’re a great wife – You take care of me and are incredibly tolerant of my quirks & annoying ways.
7. You have solid values – You’ve taken the time to hone your personal values and you hold to them rigorously.
8. You are intelligent – You love to learn and are always a student. You can solve complex problems in a way that best serves all parties and can manage a respectable amount of information inside of that small head of yours.
9. You are tolerant and peaceful – You enjoy harmony and bring peace wherever you go.
10. You are courageous – You are not afraid to try new things and challenge your own beliefs.

I mentioned earlier about the warm fuzzy feelings this caused.  You see it seems my husband has hit some very deep connections to why we are still married right here in this list.

He sees me through the tough exterior, the facade I put up to keep others from getting to close in my life.  He sees past the logic in me and hits right to my heart in how he sees me.  No one else in the world can see all of what he sees in me.  I did point out to him that I thought he might need to get his eyes checked on number six and yet he reassures me that he sees just fine.  I also pointed out to him that number ten is a little flawed in that I am afraid to try new things it is just that I will try anyway to continue to challenge who I think I am and what I think my limits are.

I have to give him credit for making this a public declaration and beyond that I want to acknowledge him for seeing past me and truly seeing into my heart.  Well played my dear!  This was the most inexpensive gift he presented me with, yet one of the most loving gifts he could ever offer to me.

What do you see deeply about your spouse?  Have you shared these with them?  What have you missed from being busy and not focusing on them?  Just some thoughts to get you to notice your spouses heart at a deeper level.

Right Marriage For You

I believe in a lifelong marriage.  Let me be a little more specific of what I write about in this blog.  I do not want marriages that are just marriages for the sake of your kids, for looking good or for doing what others think is right.  I am sharing about being in a fulfilling marriage because two people are committed to a lifelong love.  A love affair in such away that you are doing what is right for you, not because it is right for someone else.

Marriage is difficult enough without having to try to make it happen for someone else.  Marriage has been put into question, challenged and taught that it is not necessary in relationship.  When trouble hits divorce is often a first choice verses a last resort.  Celebrities get married in a big fan fare and divorced with even more media.  Marriage for media attention not for love.  Publicity stunts verses commitment to a long term relationship.

I am an everyday normal wife and mother.  I do not have a manager, publicist or spin agent for the mistakes that I make.  I work hard at being a great wife to my husband and I expect for my husband to work equally as hard to be the best husband he can be for me.

Our kids have attempted to play us when they wanted something.  Asking me even after dad said no.  We had to come together as a couple to put a stop to that action with four children.  Children can try to work their way into a marriage and get in so deep that we forget that the marriage is in place for the children not because of the children.  Marriage helps to teach children about love, commitment, values and solutions for difficult challenges they face.

When we look deeper into marriage we can see that there are a lot of valuable lessons that can be learned by being committed to a fulfilling marriage.  To often we are asked to be divided instead of coming together.

Learning how to communicate with each other so that we each know what the other will tell our children.  Clear communication with your spouse will help set boundaries around your marriage.  It helps to keep others out of your marriage that are not meant to be there.

Learn what each of you stand for.  What are the values you have personally?  Does your spouse have the same values or can you both work with your differences?  If you can not work with the differences then you will have to agree to disagree and find ways to commit around your differences.  Teaching others how to do this is your mission in tolerance.

In order to have the right marriage for you, you must know what the right marriage looks like.

  • What do you want in your marriage?
  • How do you want your marriage to look to your family and to those outside of your family?
  • What are the values you want in your marriage?  If you do not have those yet, then how will you get them?
  • What are your moral and do you stand for them in your marriage?
  • What does your spouse want in your marriage?  How do you know?
  • How can you communicate better with your spouse?
  • What do you do when you both get into an argument that still honors the marriage?

Be the right person so you can have the right marriage for you!

Goals In Marriage – Why Bother

I am a goal master!  I set goals in all areas of my life.  I have all of my clients set goals when working with me.  This has become my way of life for many years.  It has gotten me from the welfare mom to the successful business owner that I am today.  With that being said, one area that is often forgotten when setting goals is in your marriage.  I believe it should be the first place to set the goals but I understand why it is not often put as a priority.  I mean come on, if the relationship is going well and all feels good then why would we need to set goals?  “Don’t fix what isn’t broken” kind of mindset with setting goals in marriage.

I don’t know about you but happily ever after has not shown up in this marriage.  I mean the challenges we have been through in our marriage have been so many that I sometimes think that there is no such thing as an easy marriage.  If there is, it didn’t find its way to my front porch!  With that being said I want to be clear that I am not complaining about my marriage.  I am just being honest about the fact that we have had a lot put onto our plates that we were not prepared for nor ever thought we needed to plan for.

I was a facilitator with a seminar company for many years. In that time, hundreds of people would set goals to have a better relationship with their spouse.  They would say “I want to have a number ten relationship with my spouse”.  What did that really mean?  When asked what that would look like for them, the attendees would often describe how they wanted the outcome to be at the end of a 10 week period of working on this goal.  Very rare if ever, did I hear anyone say they wanted to sit down and set goals with their spouse so they both could work on the goals together.  It was more about what I am going to do and hope she/he would see the difference.

What goals have you set with your spouse lately in regards to your relationship?

I want to be the first to tell you “Your marriage will be more successful if, you work with your spouse on the goals you both want to achieve.  Doing so will help you achieve the kind of marriage you want!”  I discovered a while back that when I am working secretly on a goal with my husband and he does not know anything about it, I do not have his support and chaos is sure to ensue.  There have been times when I thought I was on the right track but since he did not know what my plans were, he made other plans and my goal got interfered with!  Often causing resentment and in many cases, hurt feelings!  Unless you are planning a surprise party or like this is not the strategy to a successful marriage.

How can you set goals and have your and your spouse on the right track in marriage?

Here are a few questions you could be asking to get the ball rolling to a fulfilling marriage. 

Each of you sit down and ask yourself these questions then come together and share your thoughts with each other.

  • What do I want our relationship to look like in the future?
  • How will I know when we have succeeded?
  • What is something I have always wanted to do as a couple?
  • What do I miss as a couple from our dating years?
  • How I want you to respond to me when we do not agree?
  • What romance looks like to me? (her)  or What respect looks like to me? (him)
  • Specifically, what I would like to see us accomplish this year is…

After getting together and sharing these answers, sit down and set some goals for this year.

Goals do not have to be complicated!

Some examples of some marriage goals:

  • To say I love you and kiss you each morning and evening.
  • Send her flowers once a month for the year.
  • Leave a love note in his car each day before work.
  • Read together each night.
  • Never argue in front of the kids.
  • Every three months we get away for a night without kids.
  • Lunch date every week.
  • Each month we will go over finances and plan for the next month.
  • Hire a housekeeper to come in once a month to do deep cleaning.

What would be a goal that you might or have set with your spouse?  Share here.

Sometimes your spouse will make the bet accountability partner when setting goals.  Sometimes it is better to get someone else from the outside to help you keep your goals with your spouse.  You can include another couple and then the four of you could check in with each other once a month via pot luck or double date and support each other in having a strong and healthy marriage.

My husband and I go over calendars in the beginning of each year and plan our confirmed vacations and important dates.  This way when something comes up and you have been invited to do something you can look at see if your calendar already has a priority on it.  Your spouse and family is always your number one priority.  If something comes up that is a once in a life time opportunity then talk with your spouse and work it out!  Communication is always the key to being successful in marriage.  When you set goals, plan your calendar around those goals and keep open the lines of communication then you are on the right track to a successful marriage.

If you need some support in setting some marriage goals, reach out and ask me.  I am always supportive for a successful relationship!

One Syllable Words In Marriage

Ever have one of those days when being married feels like a bad test in life?

Shortly after graduating high school I thought I was an average intelligent person.  My senior year I had enough credits to get out of school at noon.  I caught a bus and went to a 32 hour a week job and then I went home and helped my mom out around the house.  I was a responsible young lady.  I was smarter than many and worked hard even as a young adult.

I got married eight months after I graduated to my high school sweetheart.  We had a son and moved to another city because he got a job at the Sheriff’s department.  He was making enough money to pay the bills but not enough for extras like child care or fancy vehicles.  I stayed home and took care of our son.

My days were filled with feedings, playing, diaper changing and everything that goes along with a infant in the house.  My husband worked graveyards and I had to make sure our son was quiet during the days so daddy could sleep.  When he awoke it was up to me to make sure he had his meals and was prepared to go to work.

It was difficult for me to keep the house clean, keep our son quiet and still maintain a relationship with my husband.  I admit one day I was a little frustrated with being in a new town with no friends, no one to talk to and my days filled with talking to my young son.  I told my husband that he never has time for me and doesn’t even talk to me about anything that is going on.  The comments he made after that is something I will never forget.  At the moment he spoke, I felt about two inches tall and felt I had no value left as an adult.

“Why would I talk to you, you only speak in one syllable words?”  “I want to talk to adults who are smart!”  To my defense I said “I am around an infant all day what exactly do you want me to say to him?  Had I been as smart as I am now I would have seen the writing on the wall.  He was pretty much done with this young woman.

Since those statements were said to me over 25 years ago, I have worked hard to prove I am not a stupid mother, wife and woman.  I have let go of most of the hurt that crushed my spirit that day.  I strive everyday to be better today than I was yesterday.  I have always had a good vocabulary but somehow in that moment of marriage I was a complete one syllable moron.  Did I say that he left me less than a year later?  Yep and even though it didn’t feel like it at the time, it was one of the greatest gifts he gave me, next to my son of course!

Never let a man or woman tell you that you are less than you are in marriage! Or anywhere in your life.  Speak highly of each other and know that insults are hurtful and can devastate the heart of the person you say you love.  Marriage is about working together for the greater good of both.  Fulfilling a companionship that is more intimate than any other relationship you are meant to have.   Speak the best to your spouse.  You know that saying “people will live up to what you expect of them”.  Speak what you want with your spouse and surprise yourself with what comes into your relationship.

How could you lift your spouse up today?  What would be something you would like to hear from your spouse?

Feel free to share a time when you felt a low in your marriage.

How Many Times Have You Said I Do

This August I will be saying wedding vows for the sixth time.

Holy cow that does not me I will heading into my sixth marriage.  As stated in previous blogs, I got married when I was 18 and getting divorced at 20.  I again took the vow of marriage when I was twenty five.  Since then I have renewed my vows to my husband every five years.

Every five years we have a wedding, exchange our vows and invite others to share this time with us.  Each time we renew our vows we make it fun and have a theme for our renewals.

5 year anniversary – We renewed our vows in the Japanese Tea Garden where he proposed to me.  We had about 30 attendees who shared this time with us.  Small reception/party back at our home after the ceremony and photos.

10 year anniversary – We eloped to Las Vegas where some cousins met us at the Little Chapel of the West and we exchanged our vows with a quick and fun ceremony.  We all went out to dinner afterwards.  (Sorry no Elvis here)

15 year anniversary – I finally walked down the church isle.  Our pastor performed the ceremony and I surprised my husband with a solo version of “Celine Dion’s -The Power of Love”.  We had about 50 people in attendance and a reception at the church followed.  Our kids took the place of best men and daughter of honor.

20 year anniversary is this year.  We are planning a beach wedding in shorts.  I am fine with that as long as it is on a warm beach where the water is warm too.  California is out as the Pacific Ocean is just too cold for me! I will post later with more details I am sure.

But why do we renew our vows every five years?

We wanted to find a way to continue to commit to one another over and over again.  A way that would allow us to acknowledge that we were committed even when life as a married couple was feeling hard and almost impossible.  When people ask why we do this, I often tell them that when we first got married I only knew a small part of him.  So each time we renew our vows we are now committing to what we have discovered along the way.  I can not say “I didn’t agree with that” because each time I say “I Do” to him I agree to what I now know.  Oh, it doesn’t always mean that I like it, it just means I know about it and I accept that it is something we will work on and we are aware of it.  What ever it is!

How do you renew your commitment on a regular basis with your spouse?  If you do not yet, what is something you could start that shows honor for your vows and your spouse on a regular basis?

Find Great Mentors For Your Marriage

Like I have stated in earlier posts, my husband and I started a business together 20 years ago.  We started out of our home in a small bedroom in our small house.  A small desk, a phone line added to our house and a phone book!  When we started our business there was not public internet as we know it today.  The computer we had was a Mac 512 box, with a green screen.  It was necessary to do sales the old fashion way.  The phone, a phone book and calling to find out who you could make an appointment with to share about your product/services.

Marriage was very similar.  When we got married we had to work, find a home to live in and learn from the mistakes we were making in marriage without the aide of internet, reality tv or unlimited channels to see how others do it.  We had the bare basics to get married.

  • Love – “If we love each other, everything will be okay.”
  • Hope – “If we hope for what we want then we should be able to find it and make it work.”
  • Naivety – “We can do anything because we have hope and love.”

HaHa!  To be young, fresh and in love!

A lot has changed throughout the years.

We have the opportunity to have role models on both sides of the spectrum of what to do in marriage and what not to do.  Sometimes the lines cross and we are not sure what is the “right” thing to do.  We can have access to doctors, lawyers and forums for what ever group we want to be a part of.  The “man/woman hates club” or the “mommies doing it right club” or the “I don’t need anyone’s help club”.  It is all available at ease to use just by typing in the words we want to find.

In order for me to have the kind of marriage I wanted. (A life lasting one) I have to pay attention to what I surround myself with.

I recall times when I didn’t pay attention to finding the right mentors to follow in marriage.  I discovered throughout the years that if I hang around people who were fighting in marriage, my husband and I started fighting.  If someone was telling me about how bad their husband was being to them, then I had to try and match that so they did not feel left out.  If a friend was going through divorce, suddenly that word would pop up around my house and not for the good.

If you want to have a long lasting marriage and relationship with your spouse then hang out with the right people!  Get yourself to friends houses where they are enjoying marriage.  Hang around some newlyweds every now and again.  They are great at reminding you to bring that feeling back into your life.  Speak to people who have been married for years ans ask them how they make marriage work.  After a few years of being married, I began asking people who were married ten years how they stayed married that long.  Then I began asking people who had been married twenty years or more.  Watch the best television show that support what you want to create in your marriage.  I learned a lot from the different stages of my life.  It will be up to you to seek out the solutions you want in your marriage.  Have the courage to say, “I do not want to be a divorce statistic” I want to grow in my relationship and learn how to make it work for both of us!  Surround yourself with great mentors for marriage to keep you on the right track.

This applies to all area of your life.  If you want to be better in business, parenting, personal development, relationships of any kind, find yourself great mentors to keep you on track.  Learn from others who have been through the pains and joys to help you through the process quicker.  No one ever said that you have to experience life as bad as everyone else!  You can be better today quicker when you get mentors to get you through life easier!

Some Of The Reasons I Love My Husband

How often does your spouse hear about the many reasons you love them?
Make your own list and share with them soon. :O)

  1. I love you because you are a loving man.
  2. I love you because you are a loving dad.
  3. I love you because you take risks in life.
  4. I love you because you have strong morals and values.
  5. I love you because you say you love me a lot.
  6. I love you because you are adventurous.
  7. I love you because you are an honorable man.
  8. I love you because I love your boody!  It is cute!
  9. I love you because you like to laugh and have fun.
  10. I love you because you send me flowers during some hard times.
  11. I love you because you rub lotion on my back and more.
  12. I love you because you are not afraid to talk to people.
  13. I love you because you gently rub your fingers in my hair.
  14. I love you because you maintain the pond and enjoy it.
  15. I love you because when you smile your eyes smile too.
  16. I love you because you kiss me passionately.
  17. I love you because you work hard to keep me feeling safe.
  18. I love you because of the way you feel up against my body spooning.
  19. I love you because you come up behind me and hold me in your arms.
  20. I love you because you think I am sexy.
  21. I love you because believe in God.
  22. I love you because you are faithful.
  23. I love you because you laugh corny when you really enjoy what you see or hear.
  24. I love you because you are not afraid of doing something new.
  25. I love you because you wash my hair for me.
  26. I love you because of the way you look in a suit.  Nice!!
  27. I love you because you allow me to pick out your clothes to buy.
  28. I love you because you are electronically savvy.
  29. I love you because you are loyal.
  30. I love you because you have nerdly qualities.

My Boyfriend, Fiance, Husband and A Friend

I had this great boyfriend who always wanted to find ways to please me and showed me how much he cared about me.  He showed me everyday that he was trustworthy, loving and truly wanted to spend time with me.

I had this very good fiancé who had a way of making me feel safe and secure around him.  He was always there when I needed him to just listen or talk with.

I have this good husband who makes a good living and is a good father.  I am with this good man who works and cares and puts efforts towards many people and projects.  He is full of passion and desires.  He is creative and spontaneous.  He can have a lot of fun with anyone on a dirt bike.

I have this wonderful best friend who I can talk to and share my most deepest thoughts with.  We love together, cry together, laugh together and experience new and exciting things together.  Together we compliment each other because of our differences. We also fight together, make up together and remind each other what all this is for.   We learn how to fall in love over and over again.  He picks me back up when I fall and helps to wipe off the dust and take the next step.

Along this journey with my husband, we have discovered how to shift companionship to marriage, agreement to commitment and we will continue to grow as we add more anniversaries to our calendar.

“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.” ~ Simone Signoret

How Are You Speaking About Your Spouse?

How do you speak about your spouse in public?

If you are not lifting your spouse up in public you are not being of service to them.

I have heard women speak about their spouse in public and in social media in a way that does not show respect or care for their spouse.  Okay, I have heard it from the men too!

I watched as family members fought back and forth on Facebook as they were struggling in marriage and ended in divorce.

Why do we think that this behavior is okay?

Our spouse has seen us at our lowest and they have seen some of our greatest gifts.  When we tell the world that we are angry with our spouse or when we call them names to others we diminish the bond of commitment.  We break trust with our spouse and believe it or not we give permission to others to put our spouse down too!

Did you get that?  We permission others to say the same things about them!  I am not now or ever giving a woman or man permission to insult my husband!

A quick story from the past:

My husband and I have been working together for almost 20 years as business owners.  I have done payroll, human resources, mediation, accounting  and the list goes on.  He has often been the one to manage clients and staff.

So one day a female employee came to the office to speak to me about how she did not like how her supervisor was talking to her and what he expected her to do.

As we sat down in this meeting I let her speak.  She told me all about how her supervisor was a *@&^#(&  and then how he was a _@*^~!@#$@ and then how he… Get the point?

She went on and on about how this guy was so terrible.  When she was done venting I went over with her about what he wanted her to do and then how could she accomplish those results in a way that she was satisfied and so was he.

She left the meeting ready to go back to work and do all the things that her supervisor wanted her to do.

A couple weeks later she came to me and said “you didn’t tell me”!  I asked her what I didn’t tell her and she replied, “You didn’t tell me he was your husband!”  I looked at her straight in the eye and said “I didn’t need to tell you to get the job done.  The goal was to get you to a place where you could stay employed with this company.  She then said, yes but you let me call him all those names and if someone was talking about my man like that I would have kicked their butt!

Again I spoke and said – Those were your words – never my words about my husband.  And just because you say it does not make it so.  There I days in which I may have felt the same way but you will never hear them from me.  By the way that was your freebie .  The next time you will be fired!  She was with us for many years and even asked me to be the maid of honor at her wedding.  I respectfully declined due to my position.

Speak respectfully about your spouse.  Tell people the funny things and the great things.  Tell people what you admire about your spouse and why you are with them.  Allow others to your greatness by sharing the greatness of your spouse.

Marriage Is Not A 50-50 Partnership

~ Marriage is not a 50-50 partnership, it’s a 100%-100% give it all you’ve got relationship. ~

 
When it comes to being married you have to give all you have.  It is not about half the load.

Imagine putting clothes into the washer.  If you have a full load why would you only put half in and washer?  It is a waste of energy, water, time and soap?

There will be days when you do not feel your best.  You may be tired, ill or run down by all you have to do with a busy lifestyle.  You may feel like you only have about 50% of the energy in you.  Then give your 100% of what you have available to you.

Do not keep score in marriage!  This is not a game of sports.  Marriage is about win-win. It is about being of service to this spouse because you agreed to “for better or worse”.

There will be some better days and there will be some worse day.  Most days are a lot like you are just going along smoothly until something sends ripples your way.  Good or not so good ripples.

Keep making sure you and your spouse are clearing the way with good communication, compassion, forgiveness and choosing to stay in love.
“I want a marriage more beautiful than my wedding! – Wedding was one day, Marriage for life!” ~ Unknown