Right Marriage For You

I believe in a lifelong marriage.  Let me be a little more specific of what I write about in this blog.  I do not want marriages that are just marriages for the sake of your kids, for looking good or for doing what others think is right.  I am sharing about being in a fulfilling marriage because two people are committed to a lifelong love.  A love affair in such away that you are doing what is right for you, not because it is right for someone else.

Marriage is difficult enough without having to try to make it happen for someone else.  Marriage has been put into question, challenged and taught that it is not necessary in relationship.  When trouble hits divorce is often a first choice verses a last resort.  Celebrities get married in a big fan fare and divorced with even more media.  Marriage for media attention not for love.  Publicity stunts verses commitment to a long term relationship.

I am an everyday normal wife and mother.  I do not have a manager, publicist or spin agent for the mistakes that I make.  I work hard at being a great wife to my husband and I expect for my husband to work equally as hard to be the best husband he can be for me.

Our kids have attempted to play us when they wanted something.  Asking me even after dad said no.  We had to come together as a couple to put a stop to that action with four children.  Children can try to work their way into a marriage and get in so deep that we forget that the marriage is in place for the children not because of the children.  Marriage helps to teach children about love, commitment, values and solutions for difficult challenges they face.

When we look deeper into marriage we can see that there are a lot of valuable lessons that can be learned by being committed to a fulfilling marriage.  To often we are asked to be divided instead of coming together.

Learning how to communicate with each other so that we each know what the other will tell our children.  Clear communication with your spouse will help set boundaries around your marriage.  It helps to keep others out of your marriage that are not meant to be there.

Learn what each of you stand for.  What are the values you have personally?  Does your spouse have the same values or can you both work with your differences?  If you can not work with the differences then you will have to agree to disagree and find ways to commit around your differences.  Teaching others how to do this is your mission in tolerance.

In order to have the right marriage for you, you must know what the right marriage looks like.

  • What do you want in your marriage?
  • How do you want your marriage to look to your family and to those outside of your family?
  • What are the values you want in your marriage?  If you do not have those yet, then how will you get them?
  • What are your moral and do you stand for them in your marriage?
  • What does your spouse want in your marriage?  How do you know?
  • How can you communicate better with your spouse?
  • What do you do when you both get into an argument that still honors the marriage?

Be the right person so you can have the right marriage for you!

Is Love Enough

When talking about marriage and being in a relationship I used to think love was all we needed to stay married.  Boy was I wrong!  My limited experience with love when young had me believing that love was easy.

My experiences over the years with love and marriage have shown me that love is not enough to sustain a relationship.  I was completely in love at eighteen.  After dating for over a year my sweetheart had stolen my heart completely.  When we got married I didn’t think I could ever love anyone more than that moment in my life.  Somewhere over the next two years I was still in love but the illusion that love was easy was gone.  We fought a lot, disagreed on how to raise our infant son and seem to have lost intimacy.  He wanted no responsibility, wanted to buy a great stereo system and accessories for his Toyota 4×4.  We were dispensable!  Love was not enough to keep us together!

Even though I loved him with all my heart, it was not enough to keep him wanting to be married to naive me!

My limited exposure to love and marriage was my parents relationship.  They met and a week later they were married.  He was in the military and we traveled all over.  Every two years we moved and lost friends.  Always having to rebuild relationship.  My parents and sisters were my only constant in my life.  I don’t remember my parents fighting with each other a lot.  My dad was gone a lot and when he was home my mom seemed to wait on him hand and foot.  He almost always was in a bad mood when he was home when it came to me.  At twelve my parents informed us that they were getting a divorce.  I was surprised.  Turns out he had an affair and he now wanted to marry her.  Years later my mom told me that even though they we married for thirteen years they were probably only together about six years because of the time he spent away with the military.  My dad is currently on his fifth marriage and my mom has been married three times.  Her last husband passed away about eighteen years ago.  My mom also told me that while she was married to my dad she did what he wanted because she did not want to be a single mother of four daughters.  She compromised who she was for him to be happy and he cheated on her as her reward.

I wanted my marriage to be different that my parents.  When I got married at eighteen, I learned that people at my wedding were placing odds on how long we would stay married.  Why did I not see the signs?

How is it other people think they know what is best for your life even though they are not the ones living it?

Back to love and it being enough.  There is still a place in my heart for my ex-husband.  If I throw that away then I would look at my son everyday and be bitter.  My son is the spitting image of my ex.  I am not bitter with my ex.  He was never capable of loving me the way I was meant to be loved.  I was not capable of loving him the way he was meant to be loved either.  I did not know what love really was yet and my perception of love was skewed by movies, books and dreams.

Love is a choice everyday to stay together.  Love is about understanding yourself enough to be able to understand your partner.  When it comes to love you can never love your spouse or relationship more than you love yourself.  To think otherwise would be deceiving yourself.  In order to truly love you must surrender what you think love looks like and create your own kind of love with each other.  Every relationship is different!  If you find you keep getting in the same kind of relationship, I would challenge you to look at you!

Love is about nurturing a friendship.  Being willing to compromise only because you care about the relationship is such a way that the compromise enhances you both.  It is never about keeping points on who did what or who did more.  Love forgives because to not forgive destroys trust and compassion.  Choosing love everyday even when you do not feel like it in the moment, builds your confidence in marriage and keeps you standing tall when you might not feel very strong.  Love and commitment help to keep you grounded when you would otherwise want to run and give up.

Marriage is not for the weak at heart and yet I believe love is meant for everyone.  It just means to love you must build strength in love and commitment like building a muscle at the gym.  Working everyday to get stronger.  Ask what is working when it is going well so when you hit a tough spot you can work together to find the solutions.  Helping each other through the challenging times and not shutting down when it gets tough.  Build those love and commitment muscles so you are prepared when you are faced with adversity.  For many years, I continued to ask my husband of almost twenty years, “Why do you love me?”.  Most of the time he would just tell me “I don’t know, I just do”.  I was insecure and wanted him to in essence tell me what he liked so I did not have to do the work to discover him.  Now in our relationship he randomly tells me why he loves me and why he likes me too.  Not because I am asking but because he feels it in his heart to share.  A much more desirable outcome for me.

Love is not enough!  It is enough to get started but not enough to sustain you through the tough times.  Honor, respect, compassion, forgiveness, compromise and commitment are some of the many qualities needed in all relationships to sustain you through the tough spots.  Keeping your heart open and willing to learn more will be the tools you need to stay committed.  Allowing yourself to love and be loved is a great place to be.  And remember there is so much more to marriage and commitment.

What Does It Take To Be Happy In Marriage

I really do not know!  I have often wondered about what makes a marriage a happy one.  I want my marriage to last forever.  So I commit to it everyday.  But what makes us a happy couple?

It could be that we trust each other enough to not have to stress about infidelity.  It could be that we respect each other enough to do the right thing even when the other is not watching us.

Maybe it is because my husband has a sarcasm streak that is ten miles long!

When our marriage has not been a happy one I have often had to take the time to look at what the issues are and take notice at what I am focused on.  There have been times that I thought my husband was a no good so and so!  He was making life hard, being arrogant and just plain ole not nice in the relationship.  Me on the other hand have always be the sweet, adoring wife to him…Not!  I have had my times of not being so loving and lovable.  I am sure you will never hear that from my husband.  You want to know why?  Because we do not air our dirty laundry outside our home.  Clean it up before you plan to hang it out to dry!

I have to take a look at what I am focusing on in the marriage during hard and stressful times.  Is he making me unhappy or is it how I am handling the situation!  I love the quote from Eleanor Roosevelt “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.  My husband can not make me feel unhappy, only I can do that.  If I am unhappy then I have to ask why?  Is it because he has done something that does not fit into my values, morals or beliefs?  Is it because he has done this so many times that I am just warn down by it?  It is because I am tired, over worked and in a grumpy mood?  What is it that is causing this to happen.

My thirteen year old daughter has a little drama streak.  When she is mad or upset I ask her what is wrong and she almost always goes to “it because of ____”.  Blaming the other person for how she feels.  I always say to her “no you are choosing to be mad so what specifically is making you mad?  She calms down and looks at me and now we can get down to the issue and find solutions to solve it.

This is how you must look at the issues causing your unhappiness in marriage.

  • What is the issue? (and do not blame the person)
  • What expectation did you have that was not met?
  • Where the expectations clear or unspoken?
  • What do you want to do from here?
  • How can we solve this and get back on track?
  • How do you want to feel at the end of the day?

These questions help me to have clear communication with my husband and anytime I feel in conflict with something or someone.

You are in charge of your happiness!  You can be happy and your spouse may not be.  Do not allow someone else to steal your joy from you.  Choose to be in a different room, choose to disagree, choose to be happy in spite of your circumstances.  Your happiness in marriage is a reflection of your own heart.  Keep your heart filled with joy and you will be happier in marriage.

By the way this was something I had to learn over the years.  There have been many times in our relationship that I have not been happy.  I have actually had a couple of bouts of depression.  Because I am a strong woman and often stay private with my personal life most people would have no idea that I have had my struggles with this issue.  But I am like every other wife in marriage that has challenges, problems and issues.  I fail at so much and I get up always and dust myself off and begin again.  For many years the Disney character Grumpy was my companion.  I had a Grumpy statue on my desk and I would set him on the edge to warn people that today was not a good day to bring me your problems!  I have been so low and I have experienced so very high points in life.  I am not saying being happy in marriage is always easy.  It is always a choice!  Choose to be happy in your marriage today to make your marriage a stronger commitment.  Be willing to be in charge of your choices and keep blame out of it.  Whenever you are helping others there is a sense of satisfaction that creates joy.  So go do something for someone else and for yourself at the same time.

How do you stay happy in marriage?  Share your ideas and thoughts.

Find Great Mentors For Your Marriage

Like I have stated in earlier posts, my husband and I started a business together 20 years ago.  We started out of our home in a small bedroom in our small house.  A small desk, a phone line added to our house and a phone book!  When we started our business there was not public internet as we know it today.  The computer we had was a Mac 512 box, with a green screen.  It was necessary to do sales the old fashion way.  The phone, a phone book and calling to find out who you could make an appointment with to share about your product/services.

Marriage was very similar.  When we got married we had to work, find a home to live in and learn from the mistakes we were making in marriage without the aide of internet, reality tv or unlimited channels to see how others do it.  We had the bare basics to get married.

  • Love – “If we love each other, everything will be okay.”
  • Hope – “If we hope for what we want then we should be able to find it and make it work.”
  • Naivety – “We can do anything because we have hope and love.”

HaHa!  To be young, fresh and in love!

A lot has changed throughout the years.

We have the opportunity to have role models on both sides of the spectrum of what to do in marriage and what not to do.  Sometimes the lines cross and we are not sure what is the “right” thing to do.  We can have access to doctors, lawyers and forums for what ever group we want to be a part of.  The “man/woman hates club” or the “mommies doing it right club” or the “I don’t need anyone’s help club”.  It is all available at ease to use just by typing in the words we want to find.

In order for me to have the kind of marriage I wanted. (A life lasting one) I have to pay attention to what I surround myself with.

I recall times when I didn’t pay attention to finding the right mentors to follow in marriage.  I discovered throughout the years that if I hang around people who were fighting in marriage, my husband and I started fighting.  If someone was telling me about how bad their husband was being to them, then I had to try and match that so they did not feel left out.  If a friend was going through divorce, suddenly that word would pop up around my house and not for the good.

If you want to have a long lasting marriage and relationship with your spouse then hang out with the right people!  Get yourself to friends houses where they are enjoying marriage.  Hang around some newlyweds every now and again.  They are great at reminding you to bring that feeling back into your life.  Speak to people who have been married for years ans ask them how they make marriage work.  After a few years of being married, I began asking people who were married ten years how they stayed married that long.  Then I began asking people who had been married twenty years or more.  Watch the best television show that support what you want to create in your marriage.  I learned a lot from the different stages of my life.  It will be up to you to seek out the solutions you want in your marriage.  Have the courage to say, “I do not want to be a divorce statistic” I want to grow in my relationship and learn how to make it work for both of us!  Surround yourself with great mentors for marriage to keep you on the right track.

This applies to all area of your life.  If you want to be better in business, parenting, personal development, relationships of any kind, find yourself great mentors to keep you on track.  Learn from others who have been through the pains and joys to help you through the process quicker.  No one ever said that you have to experience life as bad as everyone else!  You can be better today quicker when you get mentors to get you through life easier!

Some Of The Reasons I Love My Husband

How often does your spouse hear about the many reasons you love them?
Make your own list and share with them soon. :O)

  1. I love you because you are a loving man.
  2. I love you because you are a loving dad.
  3. I love you because you take risks in life.
  4. I love you because you have strong morals and values.
  5. I love you because you say you love me a lot.
  6. I love you because you are adventurous.
  7. I love you because you are an honorable man.
  8. I love you because I love your boody!  It is cute!
  9. I love you because you like to laugh and have fun.
  10. I love you because you send me flowers during some hard times.
  11. I love you because you rub lotion on my back and more.
  12. I love you because you are not afraid to talk to people.
  13. I love you because you gently rub your fingers in my hair.
  14. I love you because you maintain the pond and enjoy it.
  15. I love you because when you smile your eyes smile too.
  16. I love you because you kiss me passionately.
  17. I love you because you work hard to keep me feeling safe.
  18. I love you because of the way you feel up against my body spooning.
  19. I love you because you come up behind me and hold me in your arms.
  20. I love you because you think I am sexy.
  21. I love you because believe in God.
  22. I love you because you are faithful.
  23. I love you because you laugh corny when you really enjoy what you see or hear.
  24. I love you because you are not afraid of doing something new.
  25. I love you because you wash my hair for me.
  26. I love you because of the way you look in a suit.  Nice!!
  27. I love you because you allow me to pick out your clothes to buy.
  28. I love you because you are electronically savvy.
  29. I love you because you are loyal.
  30. I love you because you have nerdly qualities.