Gift From My Husband

You know those times when you feel like you have been heard over the years and when it happens you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside?  Well if you get those often then wonderful!  I do not get them often in my relationship with my husband.  Not to say that I do not often feel heard.  It is just I am not normally the warm and fuzzy feeling kind of gal.  I have to really pay attention to find those warm and fuzzy moments.

I watch romantic movies and read soft romance books.  I do this to remind myself what romance looks like at some level.  I have to get tips, hints and ideas from mentors, books, movies to keep me in line with being a romantic wife.  For so many years I expected my husband to be romantic but I did not even really know what romance looked like.  What I thought was romantic when I was young ended up with some harsh memories from my short weeding to my ex-husband.  All my ideas of romance got kicked out the window.

I am so much better now at spotting romance and being romantic than I was for many years.  I do believe romance is important in marriage.  I mean who wants to sit in idle in marriage and have a feeling of stagnant energy in marriage?  Not me!  My husband posted on my Facebook page “The Top 10 Reasons I Love You”.  I have done this to him many times.  I have posted some of my reasons for loving him on this blog.  Here is my husbands top 10 for me.

The top 10 reasons that I love you:

1. Because you are a passionate person – You love deeply and fiercely.
2. You are a caring person – You often care more about others than they care about themselves.
3. You’re an AMAZING mother – You take the time necessary to learn all you can about raising children and to ensure that they always get treated best based on their own unique personality & needs.
4. Your sexy body!
5. WOW! You are such a good cook!
6. You’re a great wife – You take care of me and are incredibly tolerant of my quirks & annoying ways.
7. You have solid values – You’ve taken the time to hone your personal values and you hold to them rigorously.
8. You are intelligent – You love to learn and are always a student. You can solve complex problems in a way that best serves all parties and can manage a respectable amount of information inside of that small head of yours.
9. You are tolerant and peaceful – You enjoy harmony and bring peace wherever you go.
10. You are courageous – You are not afraid to try new things and challenge your own beliefs.

I mentioned earlier about the warm fuzzy feelings this caused.  You see it seems my husband has hit some very deep connections to why we are still married right here in this list.

He sees me through the tough exterior, the facade I put up to keep others from getting to close in my life.  He sees past the logic in me and hits right to my heart in how he sees me.  No one else in the world can see all of what he sees in me.  I did point out to him that I thought he might need to get his eyes checked on number six and yet he reassures me that he sees just fine.  I also pointed out to him that number ten is a little flawed in that I am afraid to try new things it is just that I will try anyway to continue to challenge who I think I am and what I think my limits are.

I have to give him credit for making this a public declaration and beyond that I want to acknowledge him for seeing past me and truly seeing into my heart.  Well played my dear!  This was the most inexpensive gift he presented me with, yet one of the most loving gifts he could ever offer to me.

What do you see deeply about your spouse?  Have you shared these with them?  What have you missed from being busy and not focusing on them?  Just some thoughts to get you to notice your spouses heart at a deeper level.

Marriage Confidence

What is your confidence level in marriage?

I want to address an issue around being confident in marriage.  In order to be truly confident in your marriage you must be confident in who you are.  I know that when I  was younger in my 20’s and early 30’s I will admit my self esteem and confidence in who I was had some issues at times.  After being divorced once I know my marriage confidence level had taken a pretty severe beating.

I found out that the more confidence I had in myself and my abilities in my life the more confidence I had in my marriage.  Why is this important?  I believe that when you lack confidence in your marriage you do not deal with the hard issues until they become so bad that you have to.  Or how about those really intimate conversations you want to have with your spouse but never sure when the right time is?  When you have confidence in your marriage you are willing to take the time to ask those questions without fear of judgment or shame.  You also communicate clearly on the important issues instead of sweeping them under the rug.

I know throughout the years I have struggled with some issues around confidence in talking to my husband about some important issues.  Money, bills, kids, sex as well as dreams and desires.  Some of the time my lack of confidence in certain issues created arguments and mental shut down.

I will admit that none of my children were ever planned!  At least not by me! I say God decided more than I did.  My oldest son was conceived the first time I had sex.  My second son came after a contraceptive failed.  Third son, I don’t even know what happened there and my daughter was discovered after I was three months pregnant after injuring my foot!  My husband and I never spoke about having kids when.  The only thing that we ever talked about was, we can’t have more kids because we just can not afford them.  “I want to make more money and get the business going strong before we have any more” is what he would say.  And wouldn’t you know it we still did not have the business going where we wanted it to be yet and another one was on the way!  I was always afraid to tell him I was pregnant.  Never once in my life have I experienced the joy of discovering that I was pregnant.  The joys came later but my confidence in my marriage was not where it needed to be.

Having conversations about money has always been an issue for me.  Since I grew up with my parents telling me “money doesn’t grow on trees”, “no you can’t have that”, “we can’t afford that” for a long time I had some major scarcity issues around money.  Even to this day it takes some tender loving care from my husband to talk to me about money.  It is not so much a scarcity issue anymore, it is more about a belief that is deeply ingrained in me that I choose to work on all the time.

Asking my husband for what I need in the relationship used to sound a little like nagging or whining.  Now we can sit down and have some pretty fabulous conversations about what we both need and want in the relationship.

The more you and your spouse talk about what is important in your life together the more confidence you build with each other.  If there is a subject that you are scared to talk about, start challenging yourself to be open about that topic.  Let your spouse know that this topic is difficult or emotional for you.  This is not a male/female thing by the way.  Men have just as much difficulty talking about important issues as women.  It just shows up differently!

Practice what you want to say ahead of time.  I used to write my husband letters because I could keep my emotion out of it and explain my feelings without the emotions getting in the way.

If you are having self esteem issues then work to build yourself up.  Find mentors and friends who remind you of what you want to be like.  Keep reminding yourself that you deserve a wonderful and confident marriage.  It will be up to you to build this confidence and learn to have fun with your conversations with your spouse.

Have Fun In Your Marriage

It has been kind of funny around my house lately with my husband. All because of this blog!

You see I have been joking with my husband about all the goofy, sarcastic and oddball things that my husband does and I keep telling him that I am going to post them on my blog!

My husband has the gift of humor. I am too logical for that! He finds ways to try to make a funny out of just about anything and everything. Over the years he has worn off on me and occasionally I get the funny first.

Humor has to be a part of every marriage. It is just too hard for there not to be humor.

Last night while preparing dinner my husband came in and asked if he could help. I was beginning to wipe mushrooms to saute them. I told him he could clean the mushrooms. He wanted to put them under water and rinse and thought that was enough. I told him to wipe the mushrooms because if you rinse them they get a bit soggy. He complained (comically) repeatedly and kept asking me why it has to be my way. I told him that it is not my way it is the right way for what I am doing with the mushrooms. While I went out of the room he rinsed one and wiped one and set them both there for me to cut. When I picked up the rinsed one it was slimy feeling and I could tell it had absorbed water! I glared at him and said “I told you to wipe them” he looked back at me with a sheepish grin and said how can you tell. I then told him “I am going to blog about that” he laughed and here I am true to my word.

Seriously, this is just some of the nonsense that goes on everyday at the Borgens’ household!

We work to have fun and enjoy our time together. Our kids get in on the fun too. Sometimes in the kitchen while I am preparing meals a sudden dishtowel fight ensues! I am there minding my own business and all around me towels are flying. They know not to get me cause I have more skill at getting the right spots. Or how I am in the kitchen minding my own business when my husband and sons are suddenly right in the middle of my work area having a phone/pad tech talk! I look at them and clearly state – Go have your meeting somewhere else! They look at me like I am the crazy kitchen lady! No one ever seems to be in the kitchen unless I am there and then everyone is there!

There are days that it is “Pick on Mom” days. Everything they can find about me is funny. We laugh about how my French Bulldog snorts and sounds like a pig. They call her piglet or Stitch! Then I have to go after them with a towel or something. We laugh at our Poly-dactyl cat and his 7 toes on one paw that he uses like a thumb. He throws rubber bands around the room and will sometimes hit someone with it.

We work to laugh at the mistakes that we make and how a particular sound was in the house. What color clothes and choices of socks. You name it and we find ways to laugh without putting each other down of course.

There is a lot of seriousness in marriage! Make sure you take time to laugh and find comedy in the things that are not so serious. Marriage is meant to be enjoyed not endured!

Have fun today and laugh a little more than yesterday!

Do You Keep Trying To Get Divorced

I will admit that I am not always sensible.  I married my husband after thinking hard about whether or not I wanted to go through another divorce.  It is really a challenge on the marriage to stay married when you keep trying to get divorced.

After my first marriage failed and I was hit by a two by four with “I am leaving and I want a divorce” while out to dinner on our second anniversary, I felt I had no control over that situation.  I felt lost and abandoned by my first husband.

Lucky for my next husband, I was going to be in control of this marriage!

After marrying my second husband I decided that he was going to leave me to only I would be in control of it this time.  Every time we got into an argument I would just tell him to go away and if he wanted to leave then just leave.  He usually went to a man cave and worked until we were both calmed down.

If he did not like something I was doing, I suggested he get over it or leave.  If he did not like how I was raising the kids, I was not willing to compromise so I told him to back off or leave.

Do you see a pattern that was developing?  I wanted to at least be in control if he left me.  Then I would not be hit with another two-by-four moment.  Since he was going to leave anyway it might as well be when I gave him permission to leave.  Anyone else out there like me?  Nothing like a little old fashioned self sabotage!

So how do you stay married, when you keep trying to get divorced?

Marry someone who is about as strong willed as you?  Or maybe, because God is stronger than me?  Those are great ones.  Here is what I have had to do over the years to break this pattern in my life.

I attended many marriage classes, personal development workshops and allowed myself to be honest with my husband.  It wasn’t until about six years into the marriage that my husband took me into his arms and told me that he was not leaving me so I might as well stop trying to get a divorce.  We have worked really hard to stay married.  We have had to compromise and discover each others strengths so when our weaknesses showed up we could remind each other of our strengths.

Do what ever it takes to keep falling in love with your spouse!  I always loved him deep in my heart even on the days that I did not like him.  No my husband is not a saint – but he does have some saintly qualities for sticking with me all these years.  It takes a strong man (like my Marine) to equally match wits with me.  I am hard headed, bossy and an action focused woman.  He is hard headed, strong willed, bossy and remembers to focus on us!  At the same time, when things get tough, we both have to bring out our compassionate side and love each other through the challenges.

Marriage can be one of the greatest rewards in life.  We celebrate anniversaries because when we both are alive and still together that is a great accomplishment!  Celebrate being married.

If you are anything like me, working hard to stay married while trying to be in control of divorce here is my advice.  Take all that divorce energy and put it towards staying married and you just might be amazed at what you create in your life.  We celebrate 2o years married this year!  A big celebration after working so hard the first ten years to get divorced on my terms.

Keep looking for marriage mentors, people who have been married longer than you and widow/widowers that can share insight too.  Ask others how they did what you want to do.  Keep reminding yourself that it can get better when you are better at it.

What Other Relationships Do You Bring Into Your Marriage

As I have started, I was previously married before finding my life long love.  This month is a reminder of my former relationship with my ex-husband.

We met in high school.  He was a year ahead of me.  We began dating when he was a senior and I was a junior.  We dated throughout my senior year and after graduations we both were attending junior college.  We had a good relationship.  He treated me nicely and protected me from a relative that wasn’t so pleasant.  We both were working and going to school.

We ended up getting married almost a year after graduation.  February 15th, 1996 the day after Valentine’s Day!  I wonderful day – pouring down rain and many challenges from that day.  We went to Reno for the weekend honeymoon and the flood set in!  Rough start to the marriage.

Two years later, we went out to dinner for our Valentine’s Day/ Anniversary, I gave my husband a gift and he he told me he was leaving me and wanted a divorce.  He kept the gift!

When I met my husband I will admit that I always had a hard time if he wanted to go out to dinner and talk!  That is a sign for me that creates my heart racing and my brain goes into flight/fight mode.

My husband has had to deal with many moments of responses from situations from previous relationships.  He hugs me a certain way and a memory from the past flashes in my brain.  I have had to remember who I am with in the moment.  Certain comments, memories, thoughts, feelings will suddenly flash into me and I am brought back to those moments.

I have had many people who have helped to shape and mold me throughout the years.  Some of those moldings have helped me be better than I was.  Others created challenges for me to grow from.  I do not regret any part of my life because I have learned so much about myself from each and every challenge I faced in life.

Here is the challenge for us all.  Who are the people you bring with you in your marriage?  The people who have mentored you?  The people who have treated you badly?  Because most of us has had people in our lives that have not treated us well, it is likely that we bring a piece of that person along with us.  Until we learn the lessons we were meant to learn about that relationship we may have a tendency to react negatively in situations that remind us of those moments.  Bringing those negative relationships to your marriage can cause challenges.  You must be aware of these possibilities and dig deep to learn the lessons so you can move on and not take those feelings into your marriage.

Use the healthy memories, lessons and mentors to keep you moving forward in your relationship as you work through the tough relationships you bring to your marriage.  Keep yourself around people that bring out your best.  Remember to remind yourself that your spouse is not your enemy.  Forgive those people from your past so you can be the spouse you are meant to be.

Find Great Mentors For Your Marriage

Like I have stated in earlier posts, my husband and I started a business together 20 years ago.  We started out of our home in a small bedroom in our small house.  A small desk, a phone line added to our house and a phone book!  When we started our business there was not public internet as we know it today.  The computer we had was a Mac 512 box, with a green screen.  It was necessary to do sales the old fashion way.  The phone, a phone book and calling to find out who you could make an appointment with to share about your product/services.

Marriage was very similar.  When we got married we had to work, find a home to live in and learn from the mistakes we were making in marriage without the aide of internet, reality tv or unlimited channels to see how others do it.  We had the bare basics to get married.

  • Love – “If we love each other, everything will be okay.”
  • Hope – “If we hope for what we want then we should be able to find it and make it work.”
  • Naivety – “We can do anything because we have hope and love.”

HaHa!  To be young, fresh and in love!

A lot has changed throughout the years.

We have the opportunity to have role models on both sides of the spectrum of what to do in marriage and what not to do.  Sometimes the lines cross and we are not sure what is the “right” thing to do.  We can have access to doctors, lawyers and forums for what ever group we want to be a part of.  The “man/woman hates club” or the “mommies doing it right club” or the “I don’t need anyone’s help club”.  It is all available at ease to use just by typing in the words we want to find.

In order for me to have the kind of marriage I wanted. (A life lasting one) I have to pay attention to what I surround myself with.

I recall times when I didn’t pay attention to finding the right mentors to follow in marriage.  I discovered throughout the years that if I hang around people who were fighting in marriage, my husband and I started fighting.  If someone was telling me about how bad their husband was being to them, then I had to try and match that so they did not feel left out.  If a friend was going through divorce, suddenly that word would pop up around my house and not for the good.

If you want to have a long lasting marriage and relationship with your spouse then hang out with the right people!  Get yourself to friends houses where they are enjoying marriage.  Hang around some newlyweds every now and again.  They are great at reminding you to bring that feeling back into your life.  Speak to people who have been married for years ans ask them how they make marriage work.  After a few years of being married, I began asking people who were married ten years how they stayed married that long.  Then I began asking people who had been married twenty years or more.  Watch the best television show that support what you want to create in your marriage.  I learned a lot from the different stages of my life.  It will be up to you to seek out the solutions you want in your marriage.  Have the courage to say, “I do not want to be a divorce statistic” I want to grow in my relationship and learn how to make it work for both of us!  Surround yourself with great mentors for marriage to keep you on the right track.

This applies to all area of your life.  If you want to be better in business, parenting, personal development, relationships of any kind, find yourself great mentors to keep you on track.  Learn from others who have been through the pains and joys to help you through the process quicker.  No one ever said that you have to experience life as bad as everyone else!  You can be better today quicker when you get mentors to get you through life easier!