Are Cell Phones Messing With Your Marriage?

How much do you enjoy the convenience  of cell phones?  Do they make your life easier?  How are they for your relationship?

I have mixed feeling about cell phones and relationship.

I love the convenience of being able to check in with my husband when we are apart.  I can easily connect with him if I need him to grab something from the store on his way home from the office.  If we are traveling away from each other they are great to stay connected.  And of course if there is an emergency then having a cell phone is perfect for getting your loved ones to you.

The other side of the coin is that cell phones drive me mad!  While going out to dinner with my husband he checks in on his phone.  Sitting at home watching a movie together and he whips out that cell phone and checks out what is happening on facebook, emails and texts.

I think that cell phones have been a great addition to staying connected in relationships.  The challenge is keeping your marriage relationship number one over all the other relationships.  Next would be keeping your relationships with your kids stronger than your friend requests and games.

Just this morning while laying in bed i was playing a game on my iPad.  My husband came in the room to take a shower and get ready for his day.  He came over to kiss me and I was too busy trying not to lose in my game.  He kissed my forehead and headed to the shower.  As he waited for the hot water to get to the shower head he came back for another kiss and low and behold I was still playing my game.  I heard his sigh as he was heading back to the shower.  I surprised myself with what I said to him. “Now you know how I feel when you are on your phone all the time!”

Whoa, what did I just say?  In just a split second I realized that I did not want him to know how I felt so many times in our relationship when he has chosen the phone over me.  That feeling of a small rejection, of being alone and out of touch or the lost intimate moments that we both have missed out on.  I am not willing to let some little game on my pad, a message on my phone or hanging out on facebook interrupt my relationship with my husband!

How are you letting your cell phone interrupt your intimate moments?  How has your cell phone left a connections with your most important loves  disconnected?  Has being on your cell phone left someone you love feeling alone?

Make sure you put the most important people above your desire, want or habit with your cell phone, pads and computers.  Make sure they know that the important moments in their lives deserve to have your attentions and then put the phone down and connect with them!

Right Marriage For You

I believe in a lifelong marriage.  Let me be a little more specific of what I write about in this blog.  I do not want marriages that are just marriages for the sake of your kids, for looking good or for doing what others think is right.  I am sharing about being in a fulfilling marriage because two people are committed to a lifelong love.  A love affair in such away that you are doing what is right for you, not because it is right for someone else.

Marriage is difficult enough without having to try to make it happen for someone else.  Marriage has been put into question, challenged and taught that it is not necessary in relationship.  When trouble hits divorce is often a first choice verses a last resort.  Celebrities get married in a big fan fare and divorced with even more media.  Marriage for media attention not for love.  Publicity stunts verses commitment to a long term relationship.

I am an everyday normal wife and mother.  I do not have a manager, publicist or spin agent for the mistakes that I make.  I work hard at being a great wife to my husband and I expect for my husband to work equally as hard to be the best husband he can be for me.

Our kids have attempted to play us when they wanted something.  Asking me even after dad said no.  We had to come together as a couple to put a stop to that action with four children.  Children can try to work their way into a marriage and get in so deep that we forget that the marriage is in place for the children not because of the children.  Marriage helps to teach children about love, commitment, values and solutions for difficult challenges they face.

When we look deeper into marriage we can see that there are a lot of valuable lessons that can be learned by being committed to a fulfilling marriage.  To often we are asked to be divided instead of coming together.

Learning how to communicate with each other so that we each know what the other will tell our children.  Clear communication with your spouse will help set boundaries around your marriage.  It helps to keep others out of your marriage that are not meant to be there.

Learn what each of you stand for.  What are the values you have personally?  Does your spouse have the same values or can you both work with your differences?  If you can not work with the differences then you will have to agree to disagree and find ways to commit around your differences.  Teaching others how to do this is your mission in tolerance.

In order to have the right marriage for you, you must know what the right marriage looks like.

  • What do you want in your marriage?
  • How do you want your marriage to look to your family and to those outside of your family?
  • What are the values you want in your marriage?  If you do not have those yet, then how will you get them?
  • What are your moral and do you stand for them in your marriage?
  • What does your spouse want in your marriage?  How do you know?
  • How can you communicate better with your spouse?
  • What do you do when you both get into an argument that still honors the marriage?

Be the right person so you can have the right marriage for you!

Marriage Confidence

What is your confidence level in marriage?

I want to address an issue around being confident in marriage.  In order to be truly confident in your marriage you must be confident in who you are.  I know that when I  was younger in my 20’s and early 30’s I will admit my self esteem and confidence in who I was had some issues at times.  After being divorced once I know my marriage confidence level had taken a pretty severe beating.

I found out that the more confidence I had in myself and my abilities in my life the more confidence I had in my marriage.  Why is this important?  I believe that when you lack confidence in your marriage you do not deal with the hard issues until they become so bad that you have to.  Or how about those really intimate conversations you want to have with your spouse but never sure when the right time is?  When you have confidence in your marriage you are willing to take the time to ask those questions without fear of judgment or shame.  You also communicate clearly on the important issues instead of sweeping them under the rug.

I know throughout the years I have struggled with some issues around confidence in talking to my husband about some important issues.  Money, bills, kids, sex as well as dreams and desires.  Some of the time my lack of confidence in certain issues created arguments and mental shut down.

I will admit that none of my children were ever planned!  At least not by me! I say God decided more than I did.  My oldest son was conceived the first time I had sex.  My second son came after a contraceptive failed.  Third son, I don’t even know what happened there and my daughter was discovered after I was three months pregnant after injuring my foot!  My husband and I never spoke about having kids when.  The only thing that we ever talked about was, we can’t have more kids because we just can not afford them.  “I want to make more money and get the business going strong before we have any more” is what he would say.  And wouldn’t you know it we still did not have the business going where we wanted it to be yet and another one was on the way!  I was always afraid to tell him I was pregnant.  Never once in my life have I experienced the joy of discovering that I was pregnant.  The joys came later but my confidence in my marriage was not where it needed to be.

Having conversations about money has always been an issue for me.  Since I grew up with my parents telling me “money doesn’t grow on trees”, “no you can’t have that”, “we can’t afford that” for a long time I had some major scarcity issues around money.  Even to this day it takes some tender loving care from my husband to talk to me about money.  It is not so much a scarcity issue anymore, it is more about a belief that is deeply ingrained in me that I choose to work on all the time.

Asking my husband for what I need in the relationship used to sound a little like nagging or whining.  Now we can sit down and have some pretty fabulous conversations about what we both need and want in the relationship.

The more you and your spouse talk about what is important in your life together the more confidence you build with each other.  If there is a subject that you are scared to talk about, start challenging yourself to be open about that topic.  Let your spouse know that this topic is difficult or emotional for you.  This is not a male/female thing by the way.  Men have just as much difficulty talking about important issues as women.  It just shows up differently!

Practice what you want to say ahead of time.  I used to write my husband letters because I could keep my emotion out of it and explain my feelings without the emotions getting in the way.

If you are having self esteem issues then work to build yourself up.  Find mentors and friends who remind you of what you want to be like.  Keep reminding yourself that you deserve a wonderful and confident marriage.  It will be up to you to build this confidence and learn to have fun with your conversations with your spouse.

Goals In Marriage – Why Bother

I am a goal master!  I set goals in all areas of my life.  I have all of my clients set goals when working with me.  This has become my way of life for many years.  It has gotten me from the welfare mom to the successful business owner that I am today.  With that being said, one area that is often forgotten when setting goals is in your marriage.  I believe it should be the first place to set the goals but I understand why it is not often put as a priority.  I mean come on, if the relationship is going well and all feels good then why would we need to set goals?  “Don’t fix what isn’t broken” kind of mindset with setting goals in marriage.

I don’t know about you but happily ever after has not shown up in this marriage.  I mean the challenges we have been through in our marriage have been so many that I sometimes think that there is no such thing as an easy marriage.  If there is, it didn’t find its way to my front porch!  With that being said I want to be clear that I am not complaining about my marriage.  I am just being honest about the fact that we have had a lot put onto our plates that we were not prepared for nor ever thought we needed to plan for.

I was a facilitator with a seminar company for many years. In that time, hundreds of people would set goals to have a better relationship with their spouse.  They would say “I want to have a number ten relationship with my spouse”.  What did that really mean?  When asked what that would look like for them, the attendees would often describe how they wanted the outcome to be at the end of a 10 week period of working on this goal.  Very rare if ever, did I hear anyone say they wanted to sit down and set goals with their spouse so they both could work on the goals together.  It was more about what I am going to do and hope she/he would see the difference.

What goals have you set with your spouse lately in regards to your relationship?

I want to be the first to tell you “Your marriage will be more successful if, you work with your spouse on the goals you both want to achieve.  Doing so will help you achieve the kind of marriage you want!”  I discovered a while back that when I am working secretly on a goal with my husband and he does not know anything about it, I do not have his support and chaos is sure to ensue.  There have been times when I thought I was on the right track but since he did not know what my plans were, he made other plans and my goal got interfered with!  Often causing resentment and in many cases, hurt feelings!  Unless you are planning a surprise party or like this is not the strategy to a successful marriage.

How can you set goals and have your and your spouse on the right track in marriage?

Here are a few questions you could be asking to get the ball rolling to a fulfilling marriage. 

Each of you sit down and ask yourself these questions then come together and share your thoughts with each other.

  • What do I want our relationship to look like in the future?
  • How will I know when we have succeeded?
  • What is something I have always wanted to do as a couple?
  • What do I miss as a couple from our dating years?
  • How I want you to respond to me when we do not agree?
  • What romance looks like to me? (her)  or What respect looks like to me? (him)
  • Specifically, what I would like to see us accomplish this year is…

After getting together and sharing these answers, sit down and set some goals for this year.

Goals do not have to be complicated!

Some examples of some marriage goals:

  • To say I love you and kiss you each morning and evening.
  • Send her flowers once a month for the year.
  • Leave a love note in his car each day before work.
  • Read together each night.
  • Never argue in front of the kids.
  • Every three months we get away for a night without kids.
  • Lunch date every week.
  • Each month we will go over finances and plan for the next month.
  • Hire a housekeeper to come in once a month to do deep cleaning.

What would be a goal that you might or have set with your spouse?  Share here.

Sometimes your spouse will make the bet accountability partner when setting goals.  Sometimes it is better to get someone else from the outside to help you keep your goals with your spouse.  You can include another couple and then the four of you could check in with each other once a month via pot luck or double date and support each other in having a strong and healthy marriage.

My husband and I go over calendars in the beginning of each year and plan our confirmed vacations and important dates.  This way when something comes up and you have been invited to do something you can look at see if your calendar already has a priority on it.  Your spouse and family is always your number one priority.  If something comes up that is a once in a life time opportunity then talk with your spouse and work it out!  Communication is always the key to being successful in marriage.  When you set goals, plan your calendar around those goals and keep open the lines of communication then you are on the right track to a successful marriage.

If you need some support in setting some marriage goals, reach out and ask me.  I am always supportive for a successful relationship!

Me Time – When The Time Is Right

We were speaking with our oldest son last night and we were reminded about how life was many years ago.

When we first go married we were broke!  That’s right, pretty much no money.  We started our business more than six months before we walked down the isle.  When you start a business and are working it, it takes everything you have to get it going.  That is if you didn’t have a nice stash of money to start your business.

We lived in a house that was owned by my husband’s great uncle.  Very small three bedroom house with a leaky roof.  Our boys had one bedroom, we were in one room and the business was in the smallest.  We could not afford much.  We were barley making ends meet.

Gifts for our kids where pretty much what ever grandparents or aunts get for them.  Christmas and birthday’s were the basics and a couple small toys I could find on sale.  I took a job in retail to make ends meet.  As my husband said “we had nothing to lose”.  Life was stressful and felt hard.

My son who is learning about some hard choices in life right now.  He remembers how the last ten years have been and he wants to live that kind of life style.  He does not remember the hard times we went through in the earlier years of his life.  I do though.

Marriage and relationships are difficult.  There are hard times and times when everything seems to be on the right track.  When we get off track many times we just want to through in the towel or become more selfish.  Me time and what about me is usually what one person in the relationship is quoting.  Me time?  There is no “Me Time” when your relationship is at stake.  That is when you have to dig your heals in and remember this is about us!  Our life together, how we are going to solve this issue and what we need to do to make the relationship better!  “Me Time” comes when the relationship is stable. When the hard work is done.  Just like working in the world – most people do not go on vacation in the middle of a real important deal.

I am not talking about time to take care of yourself.  I am talking about the self destructing habit in relationships when you have to dig down and work hard to create the kind of relationship you deserve.  Many people will take the hard times and become selfish and the end result is divorce.  If you hear yourself talking about “me” during a tough time re-choose and start focusing on the we and us in relationship.  It is not easy to do.  I know you can do it.  Reach out to people who are doing well in their relationships and ask for support.  Ask how they have made it through the tough times.  Keep your marriage on track even when it is hard and the reward will pay off.

 

21 Inexpensive Dates With Your Spouse

Being in relationship with your spouse or significant other can get lost when so much focus is on success and work. Here are 21 inexpensive ways to connect, be together and keep your relationship as important as anything else in your life.
Over the years I have found that my husband is not looking for me to get him the most expensive gift to keep him in love with me. He wants to know that the relationship is important and I will be there for him when he needs me. Doing more little things with him throughout the year keeps us connected and supporting each other in our relationship.
It takes time to plan and put effort into your romantic life. You might want to dress yourself up a little, write a note, or just think about how you want your attitude to be while you’re together. If you want your spouse to enjoy being with you, make your attitude enjoyable.
Taking on one of these tips each month could create romance all year long. Enjoy these tips and feel free to share one of your own.
  1. Be a tourist and go around your town and rediscover your town and rediscover each other. Likes, dislikes, passions and so on.
  2. Visit a local museum or art gallery, look around, share with one another which items or pieces of art you like and don’t like.
  3. Go to a fancy restaurant after you’ve eaten dinner at home and just order dessert and coffee.
  4. Light candles in your bedroom, get a bottle of warm massage oil, and give each other massages.
  5. Hire your kids to make you breakfast in bed and serve you both.
  6. Go to a local coffee shop together and talk about all the ways in which each of you feel blessed these days, as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.
  7. Find a cookbook, pick out a delicious looking meal or dessert, then make it together.
  8. Play board games, cards or do a crossword puzzle together.
  9. Go to a community play, sporting event or a school concert.
  10. On a Saturday morning, make breakfast together, take it back to bed and eat and then snuggle together.
  11. If you have a wood burning fireplace, set out a blanket, play music, make a fire, and make popcorn or S’mores in the fireplace.
  12. Read a book out loud to one another.
  13. Take a blanket outside somewhere (or even on the roof) and stargaze with your sweetie.
  14. Make a date and both of you create a dream board for your relationship together.
  15. Put your favorite hot beverage into a ‘to-go’ cup, bundle up, and go on a walk together at a nearby park.
  16. Feed the kids early and rent a movie for them to watch. While they are watching movie have a candle lit dinner for two and then invite the kids back for dessert.
  17. Set up a tent in the back yard and camp out for the evening. Lay out and star gaze and enjoy each others company.
  18. Set a date in the middle of the day while the kids are at school or napping. Enjoy sandwiches and cuddling.
  19. Trade off with other couples for babysitting and date nights.
  20. Invite another couple to a pot luck and discover more about your friends in the process.
  21. Bring your minds together and discover an inexpensive date together.

What date looks inviting to you? What is an inexpensive date you would suggest that is not on the list?

How Many Times Have You Said I Do

This August I will be saying wedding vows for the sixth time.

Holy cow that does not me I will heading into my sixth marriage.  As stated in previous blogs, I got married when I was 18 and getting divorced at 20.  I again took the vow of marriage when I was twenty five.  Since then I have renewed my vows to my husband every five years.

Every five years we have a wedding, exchange our vows and invite others to share this time with us.  Each time we renew our vows we make it fun and have a theme for our renewals.

5 year anniversary – We renewed our vows in the Japanese Tea Garden where he proposed to me.  We had about 30 attendees who shared this time with us.  Small reception/party back at our home after the ceremony and photos.

10 year anniversary – We eloped to Las Vegas where some cousins met us at the Little Chapel of the West and we exchanged our vows with a quick and fun ceremony.  We all went out to dinner afterwards.  (Sorry no Elvis here)

15 year anniversary – I finally walked down the church isle.  Our pastor performed the ceremony and I surprised my husband with a solo version of “Celine Dion’s -The Power of Love”.  We had about 50 people in attendance and a reception at the church followed.  Our kids took the place of best men and daughter of honor.

20 year anniversary is this year.  We are planning a beach wedding in shorts.  I am fine with that as long as it is on a warm beach where the water is warm too.  California is out as the Pacific Ocean is just too cold for me! I will post later with more details I am sure.

But why do we renew our vows every five years?

We wanted to find a way to continue to commit to one another over and over again.  A way that would allow us to acknowledge that we were committed even when life as a married couple was feeling hard and almost impossible.  When people ask why we do this, I often tell them that when we first got married I only knew a small part of him.  So each time we renew our vows we are now committing to what we have discovered along the way.  I can not say “I didn’t agree with that” because each time I say “I Do” to him I agree to what I now know.  Oh, it doesn’t always mean that I like it, it just means I know about it and I accept that it is something we will work on and we are aware of it.  What ever it is!

How do you renew your commitment on a regular basis with your spouse?  If you do not yet, what is something you could start that shows honor for your vows and your spouse on a regular basis?

He Would Be Perfect If…

I have come to discover over the years that my husband is a good man.  I knew that when I married him.  However over the years I have been able to see him in action verse trusting what I believed about him.  He works hard and plays equally as hard.  He is a great father to our four kids.  He honors most of my requests and has a caring heart that is seen whenever someone needs help.

Often I go out as a public speaker and I will share this thought.  I would have the perfect husband in the world if he could just do this one thing.  Only one thing is all I would need for him to be perfect.  I then ask the audience if they would like to know what that one thing would be.  Always the answer is yes.  Do you want to know what that one thing that would make my husband perfect?

My husband would be perfect if he could just read my mind!  That’s all – Just read my mind!  Usually followed by laughter.  Yet the truth is he can not read my mind.  He can guess at what I am thinking and often will get that wrong.  So, since he can not read my mind it is up to me to tell him specifically what it is  that I need from him.

Can you believe that?  I actually have to ask for what I want and need in our relationship.  If I want him to spend more time with me… I have to be willing to tell him.  Not only tell him that I want attention but also what I want that attention to look like.  Yes it is very romantic to have him come to me and know exactly what I would like from him.  But ninety percent of the time he will fail at what I want because I did not ask.  I am all about the ninety percent of things going right in marriage.  There is enough in the world going against marriage.

This applies in all forms of communication.  Sometimes I show him verses telling him.  If I want to have a great relationship with my husband I have to be willing to be a great communicator with him.  If he is not living up to my expectations then I have to check in to see if I set him up to win with the necessary knowledge to know what I wanted from him.

My husband is perfect for me.  I still have to communicate so he can be his best with me.  A two-by-four moment happens every now and again when he missed what I was saying.  But if he was completely perfect I would probably end up bored.

Make sure you do not leave your spouse to guessing everything you want from them.  The saying “he should have known” is old school.  Help your spouse support you by sharing what support would look like.  Then move over and let them win so you win too!

Do you Know Your Worth In Marriage

As a young wife, I just did what was needed to be done.  With having four kids and building a business with my husband I just did what I needed to do.  I also had a belief about what my worth was.  I was the person that took care of the kids.  Had a job on the side to cover the bills that the business could not cover.  I washed the dishes, did the laundry, cleaned up the house (mostly), mowed the lawn and kept the food on the table.  I did not feel very important.  I felt as though anyone could do what I was doing and I had no special talent.

Let me back up just a bit.  I was on welfare for four years.  During that time went in for training and school.  I rode a city bus everywhere I went.  I received $509 a month on welfare and $119 in food stamps to make ends meet.  My rent for a one bedroom apartment was $495, electricity was between $12 and $16 and phone bill was $8 a month.  (1988-1992)  As you can see nothing extra to play with and I did some crafts to make a little to cover the rest.  I worked hard to be on welfare.  I went to school full time, studied and cared for my son.  I think the welfare system is a great tool for temporary relief but should never be used as a crutch to buck the system.  I knew people who would get pregnant to get more money from welfare.  No not for me!  I did not want to live my life in that way forever!  I just needed a bit of help after my first husband walked out and left us with no money, no job and no place to live.

While I was on welfare I went to school and  I double majored in Administration of Justice and Business Management.  I had some skills and knowledge that just needed to put to practical use.  I attended the Police Academy and was ready to take on the world.  I met my husband while I was at the Police Academy.  He was working for a private investigator then.  We both were heading in the same direction and the knowledge we shared was a powerful force when starting our business.

Back to the part where I am home taking care of all the necessary things and not in anyway utilizing the knowledge and skills that I worked four years to master!  I felt like I was just a waste of my life doing the basics to keep my family going.  My personal value felt pretty low.  Don’t get me wrong, I think being a stay home parent has huge value and it a large benefit to our kids.  It is honorable and deserves great respect.  While I was doing this I just did not feel so honored and deserving.  It was hard for me to feel grateful at the time.

My husband and I were talking to a life insurance agent and we were making sure that Lawrence had life insurance in case something happened to him we would be taken care of.  He wanted me to get a policy also.  We had him set up for a $25,000 policy and then it came to my policy.  I said, “just get a $10,000 policy so it will cover all the funeral expenses”.  My husband turned and looked me in the eye and said something to me that changed my personal value forever.  Would you like to know what that was?

My husband said “Are you kidding me, If something happened to you I would have to hire someone to do the business books, take care of the kids, clean the house, do the shopping, fix the food and so much more.  Your insurance should be double what mine is!”  Whoa, what did he just say?  I did not believe what he just said.  Did I really have that much value to him?  Why is it that I could never see how much worth I was to my family and our life together?  In that moment all that I know is I never let those thoughts of I am not doing enough, smart enough, valuable enough to creep back into my mind.  My husbands words have been enough to carry me through rough times and remember how valuable my life truly is.

How are you telling your spouse their value to you?  Have you forgotten to tell them?  Make a list of all the things you appreciate about your spouse and gift them with this knowledge.  I promise it will be worth the effort!

Who Takes Care of You In Marriage

When I first married my husband I wanted to please him.  Any man that would marry a single mom when they did not yet have kids of their own deserved nothing less. Throughout the early years of our marriage I felt like I personally did not have much of a life of my own.  Working, taking care of the needs of the kids as well as the needs of my husband was a lot to handle.  I worked hard and often asked myself what is it all for.

I wanted to be a good wife.  I wanted to show my family that I was not just the girl who married and divorced.  I wanted to appear to look like I could do everything well.  Within 5 years of being married we had a household of five.  Three sons taking up a lot of my energy, a business that was still working to establish roots in our community and a husband who wanted attention.  I felt as though I was pulled in many directions.  

To make up for the lack of jobs in our business I was working in a large retail store to be able to pay the house hold bills as my husband worked in the field with clients.  Let’s just say there was little to no time for me to regenerate.  I would get home from work and fix dinner, then my husband would leave to work night shifts while I tended to the kids and got them to bed.  Lawrence would come home early morning and I would be getting up and getting one child ready to take to school.  After dropping him off I came home and fed and took care of the younger two boys until my husband woke and then I was off to work again.. This was a cycle that repeated itself for many years.

There was no time for me!  I had put on a lot of weight because there was no time for me.  I was not feeling happy about life but I was plugging along.  The house we lived in belonged to a family member.  Since we were family it seemed that it was ok if the roof leaked and everything did not work.  We were constantly in struggle mode to keep a roof over our heads, healthy kids, a successful business and a good marriage.  It did not feel this way for many years.  It often felt just like struggling was how we were meant to live.

My questions to my self were “How can I worry about taking care of me when #2 son is sick” and “Don’t be so selfish, remember what it was like being a single parent? Do you want that again?’.  I also remember thinking “he took us in so I have to do what he wants”.  All of these were great representations of where my personal self esteem was at this point of my life.

Throughout the years I discovered that no-one else was going to take care of me.  If I continued on the path of just caring for others then I was drained and no good for anyone else.  I have been depressed a few ties in my life.  The doctors always wanted to put me on medication and I refused.  I figured for me that I got myself here I am going to have to find my way to get back.  And I have done that for myself.  I did so by taking care of my needs and by asking specifically for what I wanted and needed in my relationships.  I set up boundaries and stuck to systems with the kids so they could be more helpful around the house.  Rules, chores and special times were put into place.  The kids were not always happy with these, however since they are growing into balanced and productive adults I think it worked out for the best.

It is up to you to take care of your self in marriage.  It is not your spouses job to make you happy, it is yours.  Set up your boundaries, learn to say no to the right people and do what you need to do to keep your self both physically and mentally healthy.  Set yourself up with some goals, strategies and get some support.
Tips for spouses:
If your spouse appears to be overwhelmed then you may ask what you can do to help.  Or better still don’t ask, just do something that would be helpful.  Be partners in marriage.  Both of you deserve to be heard, helped and honored in relationship together.