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Have You Lost Trust In Your Relationship?

My life changed this week.  More importantly my marriage changed this week.  I had the unfortunate news this week that my dad had terminal leukemia and the reality is that he probably has about 6 months to live.  The interesting thing about this is I am at peace with him passing.  I have been clear on my feelings for him and the impact he has made in my life.  The part that changed my life was so much deeper than loving him or accepting that he is passing soon.

He has been married for over 21 years to his wife.  They had some pretty good years.  What I discovered this week is the past few years has not been great for them.  She had some health issues and he had his own set of issues.  They lost trust in each other.  He lost trust in her and she lost trust in him.

When you are faced with mortality and the end of your life and you are coming from a place of distrust it is not pretty.  This week I witnessed my dad be paranoid about what his wife may do in the face of his death.  I have never seen so much anger, hate and hurt between two people while facing death.  It was hard to watch this man who I love turn into a vengeful and vindictive man because he is facing death.  It broke my heart to watch this play out.  I watched her turn people against him and create a segregation in the family.  There is not much time left in his life and not only will it be a tough end to his life it is a tough end to his marriage too.  It has already divided family because he did not have affairs in order and people are coming from scarcity in this situation.

I decided to take a good look at my marriage.  Is my marriage in jeopardy the same way that my dad and his wife?  Could my husband and I come to the end of our lives and have so much anger, distrust and hurt in our lives?

We have spoken about this already.  And the answer we are choosing in no!  We will not allow the end of our lives to come to distrust, anger and have our marriage unravel in the face of unfortunate news.  We took a good look at what we have in place that could prevent many of the issues that my dad and his wife are going through.  My life changed this week!  My heart is broken for my dad!  For his wife!

I love my husband!  I not only choose to be married to him, I choose to place all my trust in him.  I commit to not letting past mistakes come between us in this trust.  I commit to find more ways to be open and honest with him.  Together we will make sure our kids never see what I witnessed this week.  We already have our Trusts and Wills in place in the event something does happen to us.  Making us set for unfortunate news that may come ahead.  Our kids know that our affairs are in order and they each have copies so there will be no division among them.

Why write this blog? 

I hope to challenge anyone ready this blog to check where their trust level is with their spouse.  Could it be better?  If so, I would challenge you find a way or two to improve your trust in your marriage.

I hope to challenge you in checking to see if you are holding on to past mistakes your spouse has made.  Can you find a way to work past it or forgive it just a little more each day?

I hope to challenge you to check to see if you have your affairs in order.  Is there something you can do that sets your family up to win in the unfortunate and unexpected news of impending loss?

Lastly, I hope to challenge you to look in your own heart and ask yourself “How can I improve my relationship with my spouse a little more today than yesterday?”

My life changed in many ways this week – and there is still more I can do to improve my relationship with my husband.  How about you?

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Have You Been In The Dog House Lately?

Did you know that July is “Doghouse Repair Month”?  It got me thinking about how to repair our relationships when we find ourselves in the doghouse.

It is not easy when you find yourself in the doghouse in your marriage.  You may have been doing something that seemed to be normal and not realize that it could land you in the preverbal doghouse.  But you find yourself there and then you have to get out and build on your relationship to discover how or why you ended up there in the first place.

In the first year of our marriage there were a lot of changes to my life.  I moved to a new city where a lot of people kept telling me about how much crime and danger was happening around me.  My husband was working swing shift or graveyards and I was home with my young children.  I did not have friends in the area and felt a bit un-secure in my new surroundings.  I thought I was pretty confident at the time and had a lot of self defense, police training and skills to keep me out of trouble.  At the same time I wanted my home parameter to feel more secure.  My drive was to feel safe in this new environment and make sure my family was also safe when I was away from the house.

Here is something that landed me in the doghouse with my husband that really put a barrier between us that lasted for quite a while.

Over Thanksgiving weekend the kids and I were visiting my mom and family out of town while my husband had to stay home and work.  While I was about 100 miles away from home, I was just going through the local newspaper at my moms house and came across an ad for a ten week old Doberman.  I bright light went on in my head and I thought this would be a great asset to solve my problem at home.  I went to go look at the puppy and just fell in love with her instantly.  I purchased the dog, loaded her in the car with the kids and drove home to surprise my husband!  OOPS!  Let’s just say he was not so happy with what I had chosen to do.

Mind you I had been making my own decisions without having to get anyones permission for a while and I did not think that he would have ever been upset because I got a dog.  Boy was I wrong!

I found myself in the doghouse for many reasons:

  • For not talking to him before I got a dog
  • For purchasing something that was out of an “unspoken agreement” of cost without talking it through with him
  • For making a decision that effected the whole family without talking to him

Let’s just say I was deep in the doghouse for these reasons.  This became a bone of contention for a long time.  My husband seemed to have lost trust in me and I was then questioned for every purchase that I made for a couple years.

Let’s be clear, I never intended to make him feel like he did not have a say and I also never imagined how much damage the simple thing of getting a dog would cause in our relationship.

Here are a couple examples of how young and immature we were early in our marriage.

  • My husband would not touch, pet or have anything to do with “my” dog for over a year.
  • My husband decided that I could not be trusted with money both at home and in the business and would not let me write checks or make decisions about money without his input.
  • I lost respect for my husband because he put me in a box (doghouse) and acted as though he was above me in marriage and business. I was not treated like a partner more like a minion.
  • I lost confidence in our marriage.  I was pretty certain that we would end up getting divorced.
  • I found myself being more sneaky and finding ways to do what I wanted without being under his thumb.
  • I also found myself taking on other jobs to get away from my husband and creating my own income because he could not trust me with “his” money.

Let’s just say we were not living a healthy and happy marriage at that time.  Getting a dog for safety and security reasons was not good enough for him to see the value at the time.  And as a result of this action I was in the dog house for a long time.

We had to learn how to rebuild the trust in our relationship.  We both had to be honest about what we were going to be doing and we had to mature in relationship with each other to be able to make decisions without offending the other.

Many times in relationship we offend the other person without even realizing it.  We do not intend to offend or hurt or even leave out the other person yet somehow it seems to happen in most relationships.  If you do not talk out the issues and make sure that your spouse understands why you make the choices you do, you both will continue to build barriers in your relationship. Put it all out on the table!  Share what you want and discover what they want and find a middle ground where you both feel valued in the relationship.

Be quick to forgive and know that you both are going to make choices that my offend or hurt the feelings of the other person even when you do not intend to do so.  Talk it out, do not go long without getting issues cleared up.  It is the long drawn out stuff that breaks down the relationship and it is much harder to break down the barriers than putting them up.  I know that we did not really know how to handle the issues that sent me in the doghouse all those years ago and neither of us really tried to figure it out.  The marriage scars from us both chewing on the same bone of contention for far to long could have well ended our marriage. The blessing in it was that we both knew we were committed in marriage and had to figure out ways to get past the barriers that we had built.  I am sure I will be sharing some of the support, resources and gifts that others gave that helped us though all the doghouse moments in future postings.

Remember, a dog does not stay in the dog house forever.  She/he has to get out and explore, care for themselves and get back moving in the right direction.  So do we!  Care and nurture your relationship, explore more about your spouse and get yourselves moving in the right direction to stay committed, happy and healthy.

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Speak Highly of Your Spouse

It has been months since I have blogged on marriage.  Let myself get caught up in other life happenings.  So I am back in the saddle so to speak and getting back on the trail of building quality marriages.

Marriage is a commitment to me because it is something I choose to do.  It is easy to be mad at your spouse, or even just plain old comfortable to where you do not notice the best things your spouse brings to the relationship.  It will be up to you to get past those comfortable or hard times to remember the benefits your spouse brings to your life.

I have seen it played out on Facebook and Twitter all to often.  Husband and wife get into an argument and now everyone on their social media account knows all about it.  Whose side do you pick?  Do you get in there and start sharing about how your spouse is just as bad or even worse?  Then it just seems to escalate into a spouse bashing frenzy!

My advice is this… Keep your troubles to your self!  Do not splash all over the place about how much you are mad at him or how she is just a B—-!  It does not serve you, your spouse  or your friends in any way to be in the middle of your stuff!

How you speak about your spouse is very important in your relationship.  Every time you speak down about your spouse even when you do it in a joking manner,  you begin to tear them down in your head.  By doing this you begin to lose respect, compassion, tolerance and patience with your spouse.  You are in essence saying that they are not enough or that they do not deserve to be treated better.  You begin to break away the commitment for your spouse and it makes it harder to fall in love with them every day.  By tearing them down in your mind and in front of others you are tearing away trust and honor for them.  This turns to resentment and distrust which blocks true intimacy with your spouse.

When you speak highly of your spouse, you build them up.  You remind them and yourself about how valuable they are in your life.  When you speak highly of your spouse to others people begin to see those same characteristics in your spouse which shows honor and trust in your community.  Your friends might notice some of your spouses flaws but because you speak highly of them they are willing to look past those flaws also.  You won’t often hear others bad mouth your spouse because they do not hear it from you.  You are creating boundaries that will not allow anyone else to step into the line of your commitment.  People will want to have a marriage like yours and will want to act the way you do.  You get to be a role model for those people who have never seen someone treat a spouse with respect and compassion.

There are enough negative nelly’s out in the world when it comes to marriage.  The divorce rate is high. I believe that many marriages could have been saved from divorce if both the husband and the wife focused on the great things about their spouse instead of all the mistakes or differences they had.  

Neither I nor my husband are perfect!  We are however perfect for each other.  That does not mean that we don’t argue, disagree or just plain need a timeout from each other!  We do!  It means that our commitment is strong with each other to be okay with making mistakes, having differences and being able to speak the truth to each other.

I recall in our early years together talking with girlfriends about how much of a pain he was, or how he cared more about this and that than me.  It wasn’t true it was just where I was choosing to focus.  My friends began to see him in the same light I would speak about.  They never saw both sides of the story and I had to do more damage control for his sake because if me blabbing where I had no business doing so.  Get my point here?

Speak highly of yourself and speak highly of your spouse.  Build trust, compassion and respect for each other just by keeping your challenges between you, your spouse, a counselor or a marriage group.  Find the right people to help you through the challenges not tear down your marriage with your words and thoughts.  Lift up your spouse, especially when you feel like tearing them down because your emotions are about ready to get the best of you.  That is when you make a list of what he or she does right.  Keep going because marriage is worth the effort. 

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Who Said He Could Change?

For more than 20 years my husband and I have been together.  I was looking back and thinking… Who changed in this relationship?

We were both in our mid twenties when we decided to get married, start a business and raise kids together!  What were we thinking?

When we met he had just finished up active duty in the Marines and was just beginning his four years of active reserve.  He had a good body (of course that is my opinion) because he stayed fit in the Marines.  His arms were built well because he lifted a few weights here and there.  His body over all was a bit lanky and he wore black rimmed bc glassed. (bc = birth control)  Let’s just say he had a few nerdly qualities about him!

Me on the other hand, I was hot! (Again, my opinion) I was in the police academy, working out and being fit!  I had to get over that 6′ wall an all!  My attitude was hard core and I could match wits with some of the best nerds I knew!

Somewhere along the way he changed!  How could he?  I mean I married this man with a specific look and attitude about him!

Over the past twenty plus years, he has changed his glasses and then had eye surgery so he does not even wear glasses!  Who said he could do that?  Oh, yea that was me!

His body has change too!  This skinny lanky guy who had a size 30 waist is somewhere around a 36 now!  Where did those hot arms that used to wrap around me go?  The ones I used to grab hold of and think he could protect me against any force that would challenge me!  Okay let’s be clear on this, I did not give him permission to change in this area!

Even his nerdy qualities have changed!  Well mostly, from being the nerd to the Mr. Knows a Lot!  There is just a bit of difference between the two! One just knows and the other has a bit of ego behind it!

I have watched this transition over the years without paying much attention to it until I suddenly realized he is no longer the man I originally married!  How could he?  Who said this was okay in marriage?  What was God thinking when he allowed our bodies, ideas and attitudes to change over time?  I think I will throw a temper tantrum until he returns to his original state!!!!

Oh, like that will ever happen!

I have also noticed in this awareness, that in spite of the above changes he has made many other changes too!  He loves me better now than he ever did when we were first married.  We not only love each other, but we respect each other in ways that our young naivety could never imagine.  I still trust him with my life and know that even though his arms are not long built to look like he could protect me, his heart would be more powerful than his arms could ever have been.

He has changed throughout the years to be a better father than who he was in our younger years.  He is a great leader in business and works hard to continue to educate himself to keep his nerdly qualities intact.  I occasionally ask him to show me his arms and I still woo over how they are. (don’t tell him I am remembering them from twenty plus years ago.)  When his arms are wrapped around me and I feel his touch it is as if we were made specifically for each other.

Somehow through the years he has changed.  Some things for the good, some for the not so good, some things to bring out the best in us both!  We have not always like the changes in each other and yet those changes have actually gotten is to grow and become the people we are today.  I am not always very receptive to change!  Yet, when I can look back and see the benefits that the changes bring about in the long run change was worth it.  Expect your spouse to change!  They will never again be the person you married and neither will you.  We are all destined to change.  We can be mad about it or we can work together to make sure the change is a benefit for all involved.  I know that my husband will never be the man he once was, but the man he has become is so much more worth the love I now have for him.

Before you judge your spouse for the changing that takes place with marriage look closely at the benefits those changes can have too.  Oh, and even though I hate to admit it…. I have changed too.  I think overall for the better, with a couple bad habits added in to keep him on his toes!  :o)

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Are Cell Phones Messing With Your Marriage?

How much do you enjoy the convenience  of cell phones?  Do they make your life easier?  How are they for your relationship?

I have mixed feeling about cell phones and relationship.

I love the convenience of being able to check in with my husband when we are apart.  I can easily connect with him if I need him to grab something from the store on his way home from the office.  If we are traveling away from each other they are great to stay connected.  And of course if there is an emergency then having a cell phone is perfect for getting your loved ones to you.

The other side of the coin is that cell phones drive me mad!  While going out to dinner with my husband he checks in on his phone.  Sitting at home watching a movie together and he whips out that cell phone and checks out what is happening on facebook, emails and texts.

I think that cell phones have been a great addition to staying connected in relationships.  The challenge is keeping your marriage relationship number one over all the other relationships.  Next would be keeping your relationships with your kids stronger than your friend requests and games.

Just this morning while laying in bed i was playing a game on my iPad.  My husband came in the room to take a shower and get ready for his day.  He came over to kiss me and I was too busy trying not to lose in my game.  He kissed my forehead and headed to the shower.  As he waited for the hot water to get to the shower head he came back for another kiss and low and behold I was still playing my game.  I heard his sigh as he was heading back to the shower.  I surprised myself with what I said to him. “Now you know how I feel when you are on your phone all the time!”

Whoa, what did I just say?  In just a split second I realized that I did not want him to know how I felt so many times in our relationship when he has chosen the phone over me.  That feeling of a small rejection, of being alone and out of touch or the lost intimate moments that we both have missed out on.  I am not willing to let some little game on my pad, a message on my phone or hanging out on facebook interrupt my relationship with my husband!

How are you letting your cell phone interrupt your intimate moments?  How has your cell phone left a connections with your most important loves  disconnected?  Has being on your cell phone left someone you love feeling alone?

Make sure you put the most important people above your desire, want or habit with your cell phone, pads and computers.  Make sure they know that the important moments in their lives deserve to have your attentions and then put the phone down and connect with them!

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Gift From My Husband

You know those times when you feel like you have been heard over the years and when it happens you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside?  Well if you get those often then wonderful!  I do not get them often in my relationship with my husband.  Not to say that I do not often feel heard.  It is just I am not normally the warm and fuzzy feeling kind of gal.  I have to really pay attention to find those warm and fuzzy moments.

I watch romantic movies and read soft romance books.  I do this to remind myself what romance looks like at some level.  I have to get tips, hints and ideas from mentors, books, movies to keep me in line with being a romantic wife.  For so many years I expected my husband to be romantic but I did not even really know what romance looked like.  What I thought was romantic when I was young ended up with some harsh memories from my short weeding to my ex-husband.  All my ideas of romance got kicked out the window.

I am so much better now at spotting romance and being romantic than I was for many years.  I do believe romance is important in marriage.  I mean who wants to sit in idle in marriage and have a feeling of stagnant energy in marriage?  Not me!  My husband posted on my Facebook page “The Top 10 Reasons I Love You”.  I have done this to him many times.  I have posted some of my reasons for loving him on this blog.  Here is my husbands top 10 for me.

The top 10 reasons that I love you:

1. Because you are a passionate person – You love deeply and fiercely.
2. You are a caring person – You often care more about others than they care about themselves.
3. You’re an AMAZING mother – You take the time necessary to learn all you can about raising children and to ensure that they always get treated best based on their own unique personality & needs.
4. Your sexy body!
5. WOW! You are such a good cook!
6. You’re a great wife – You take care of me and are incredibly tolerant of my quirks & annoying ways.
7. You have solid values – You’ve taken the time to hone your personal values and you hold to them rigorously.
8. You are intelligent – You love to learn and are always a student. You can solve complex problems in a way that best serves all parties and can manage a respectable amount of information inside of that small head of yours.
9. You are tolerant and peaceful – You enjoy harmony and bring peace wherever you go.
10. You are courageous – You are not afraid to try new things and challenge your own beliefs.

I mentioned earlier about the warm fuzzy feelings this caused.  You see it seems my husband has hit some very deep connections to why we are still married right here in this list.

He sees me through the tough exterior, the facade I put up to keep others from getting to close in my life.  He sees past the logic in me and hits right to my heart in how he sees me.  No one else in the world can see all of what he sees in me.  I did point out to him that I thought he might need to get his eyes checked on number six and yet he reassures me that he sees just fine.  I also pointed out to him that number ten is a little flawed in that I am afraid to try new things it is just that I will try anyway to continue to challenge who I think I am and what I think my limits are.

I have to give him credit for making this a public declaration and beyond that I want to acknowledge him for seeing past me and truly seeing into my heart.  Well played my dear!  This was the most inexpensive gift he presented me with, yet one of the most loving gifts he could ever offer to me.

What do you see deeply about your spouse?  Have you shared these with them?  What have you missed from being busy and not focusing on them?  Just some thoughts to get you to notice your spouses heart at a deeper level.